One way to avoid umpiring duty is to hide as demonstrated by Bon Accord's Nawaz Mirza (behind Andy Meres).

Most Grades cricket matches call on players to umpire during their own side's innings. Technically a representative from each side should officiate, but the norm is two players from the batting side, usually on a rota basis of a set number of overs. Many Grade 1 games, however, have a neutral umpire assigned and they will take on all the requisite duties at both ends, with a player from the batting side taking the square leg umpiring position.

Having a club, as it were, "self-umpire", is as you might imagine, fraught with potential controversy, but, as a rule, the system has worked surprisingly well, given the competitive nature of the typical Grades cricketer. The ethics inherent in the sport of cricket does naturally lend itself to integrity and a sense of fair play and this is no different in the Grades version.

Umpiring duty carries with it a cost, however. Most players hate doing it and many avoid it altogether, sometimes by very ingenious methods. For example, Dave Goulding (ex-Bon Accord, ex-Caledonian, ex-Cults, ex-Cults 2nds and currently, this week, with Kintore) used to dodge umpiring by changing clubs during a game. Why umpiring duty is regarded as such a chore is not difficult to understand.

Reasons umpiring duty is hard

• You may have to give your own player out LBW, although this is avoidable if you join Cults.

• When you do give a player out, he most likely holds a grudge.

• If you give your skipper out, expect to drop down the batting order and take on extra scorebook duty.

• If you turn down appeals, you get called a cheating (select appropriate expletive).

• If you're umpiring, it means you're either not regarded as a batsman, or, you're already out.

Means of umpiring avoidance

• Give your team mates out LBW. A risky approach, with unpopularity issues.

• Sit in your car, listening to music.

• Open the batting and stay in at all costs, avoiding risky shots in the process.

• Simulate catalepsy.

Umpiring etiquette

• Never trip up fielders as they try to catch the ball.

• Never give a reason for turning down an LBW appeal, other than "Just missing".

• Never admit that you weren't watching after a stumping appeal.

• Never reply to an appeal by saying "Don't be such a f***ing twat!".

• Do not laugh after a dropped catch and if you do, pretend you're laughing sarcastically at your own batsman's inept shot.

• Always be in position to give a run out, not out.

• When an edge is made by a batsman, wait for him to walk. Then wait some more.