Real ale drinkers slow pinting sessions.

This article refers to Pinting (post match drinks). For the article on Pinting (umpires) click here.

Social intercourse within The Grades can be conducted before the start of a game, during the tea interval or even on the field of play but serious cricketers prefer to go "pinting". Pinting involves visiting a nearby public house after a game, to initially recount the events of the afternoon's action. Traditionally, the opposition are invited to take part although this custom has been in decline for many years.

A typical pinting session may consist of slaggings, moaning (about events during the game or Grades cricket in general), hindsight and discussion of games to come. At least one player will reminisce about past glories, oblivious to the general disinterest of the remainder. Someone always instigates a conversation about golf, diverting one half of the company from the object of the session and isolating the (non-golfing) other.

The scorebook is always present during pinting, both as a source of reference and as a coaster. The omission of any catches made and by whom can be corrected during the session. The real reason for the scorebook's appearance is for players who have done well to go over, to the last detail, every shot, every wicket, every dot ball.

A successful pinting session is concluded when the team that has lost agrees that it deserved to win, and when the team, that has won, has convinced the team that has lost, that, "Yes! We were lucky!" and, "Yes! You SHOULD have won!"

Pinting etiquette

Try to get the first round in. This has multiple benefits:

• It looks good

• You may get a cheaper round because everyone's not arrived yet

• People who join your round later, don't know where you are in the rota

Always order one of the following as your drink of choice:

• Lager (includes shandies, lager tops, bottled varieties)

• Guinness (regular or extra cold)

• Export or Heavy (includes shandies but not bottled varieties)

• Magners or Strongbow (increasingly popular and now regarded as suitable)

It is considered highly suspect to drink wine at a pinting session. It can be misinterpreted as homosexual behaviour.

If you are a real ale drinker, do not, under any circumstances, ask for it. Try Guinness or Heavy instead. Real Ales are typically burdened with unwieldy names like "Bungsnotter's 80 Bob brew" or "Green Mantlepiece No. 5" and are, by 9:00 at night, impossible to pronounce when ordering.

If bags of crisps are thrown on the table, never take the Cheese and Onion. For some inexplicable reason, crisp buyers prefer them over all others. Play it safe and choose Salt n' Vinegar.

If one of the opposition is English, offer him a bag of Pork Scratchings to see if he's from Yorkshire. If he takes them, he is, and won't buy a round, ever.

If a Cockney is present at a session, leave immediately.

Never discuss women at a pinting session.

Never chat up women at a pinting session.

If you see a woman you fancy in the bar, ogle discreetly.

Always leave before you get blind drunk or there'll be no more cricket, let alone pinting sessions.